One Time, Long Ago…Cheez-It

One time, long ago, I wrapped up a significant bike ride (six mountain gaps and maybe 70 miles, if memory serves). I treated myself by purchasing a box of Cheez-Its from Walmart. Now, I’ve bought Cheez-Its many times — they’re my favorite snack, after all — but this was the first time I’d done so from Walmart. I thought it safe because it’s not like Walmart manufactures them or anything; they just stock the boxes on the shelves just like any reputable snack cracker retailer.

Anyway, not long into my snack, my lips puff up like I’d been stung by a bee or something. It didn’t actually occur to me right away that the cause might have been my tasty snack treats because why would they betray me like that? Perish the thought! I finish eating and go to bed.

The next morning my lips are back to normal and I kind of write it off. But, later on, I’m helping myself once again to some more cheesy goodness and my lips do a repeat of the day before. I guess it wasn’t a dream. Betrayed!

I call the phone number on the box, read some numbers off the box to the lady on the phone, coyly admit that I can’t provide the Cheez-Its to them for investigation because I killed the box ("You don't understand, I do a lot of cycling! I'm not a fattie! I swear!"), and then I never, ever again bought Cheez-Its from Walmart.

The end.